my cousin has cancer

[susangail]

His name is Jeff. He's in his thirties. He's survived three separate cancers over his lifetime, two of which resulted in the removal of one of his testicles and kidneys. There's a tumor growing where one of the kidneys used to be and it's pressing against the aorta. They can't remove it but they are going to try to shrink it with chemo. His mom (my aunt) is still alive and he has a wife, Cathy, and a 5 year old daughter, Alex. I was there at the wedding even though I was just a little girl. I held Alex when she was three days old and I've watched her grow up. I'm close with his mom, my aunt Sue, whom I was named after. Jeff is like an uncle to me. When I was younger, I would mistakingly refer to him as "Uncle Jeff". He never seemed like a cousin.

My aunt is a nurse and she said if the tumor gets into the bone, he's going to die. It's serious, and I'm so scared. My grandpa is 91 and can pretty much go at any moment. My family is already scared about that, they don't need this. I just found out about five minutes ago. After my mom finished telling me, my dad, and my sister, the first thing my sister suggests is to pray. I was going to leave, but I saw my mom crying and I couldn't. I took her hand and stood their while they bowed their heads and took turns praying out loud. I tuned them out. I wanted to scream. We should be going down to Riverside (where they live) and be there for them, or something productive. But I know they're doing what they feel is best.

My cousin has very long hair and a beard. It sounds funny or hippie-ish but it works for him. We're all half-heartedly joking that his hair may fall out with the chemo. You have to know him, he loves his long hair. It sounds cruel, but it has lightened the mood in some strange way...

I'm not really fishing for sympathy (actually, I probably am), I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for reading.

[Asmodean]

I have had cancer in the family too... It sucks. And more so for me because I smoke and smokers in our family tend to die of lung cancer.

Still, there's always a chance. Chemotherapy is pretty rough but effective.

Best of luck to you and yours and to Jeff of course

[myleviathan]

Sorry to hear about your cousin. It's always awkward when my family wants to pray around me. I just kind of go along with it. I even give an occassional amen. What can it hurt, right?

Hopefully your cousin will pull through. Medicine is getting better and better all the time, and there are lots of success stories with cancer.

[Kylyssa]

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin.  All I can say is do your best to be there for your family.  Being seriously ill can make a person feel so very alone, so very isolated - even a call or an email can shine some light into a dark situation.  Even little things like sending him cards telling you're thinking of him and you love him can be a big boost.  State of mind can make a vital difference in pain management and survival.

If he's a hippie you can send him a tie dyed do-rag for his bald head after chemo.  I've lost all my hair to medical treatments or illnesses a few times - a person's bald head gets mighty cold, even in Summer.

[Evolved]

You and your cousin have my sympathy.  I am not going to pretend to know what it is like to have a life threatening illness.  Several people in my life have been diagnosed with cancer or have had loved ones diagnosed.  I have found that listening is always best, and saying "I know how you feel" is not comforting.  In fact, I have been told by a coworker who lost her husband recently that it is kind of offensive.  I'm not saying that you said this or thought of this, I just wanted to give you a heads up.  Another tidbit that I learned from a crisis counselor is that it seems like everyone gathers around the sick person or their loved ones within the first few weeks/months, but then everyone seems to go about their daily lives.  I suggest sticking with the support as long as possible.  It will do you, him, and them good.

After my mom finished telling me, my dad, and my sister, the first thing my sister suggests is to pray. I was going to leave, but I saw my mom crying and I couldn't. I took her hand and stood their while they bowed their heads and took turns praying out loud. I tuned them out. I wanted to scream. We should be going down to Riverside (where they live) and be there for them, or something productive. But I know they're doing what they feel is best.

You are right.  They are only doing what they know how to do to cope.  You should be proud of yourself for having found another way.

My cousin has very long hair and a beard. It sounds funny or hippie-ish but it works for him. We're all half-heartedly joking that his hair may fall out with the chemo. You have to know him, he loves his long hair. It sounds cruel, but it has lightened the mood in some strange way...

If it's feasible, shave your head if he loses his hair, or find some guys in the family to do it.  I think that it's ultracool support.

[Steve Reason]

That sure sucks. Cancer killed my dad and stepdad. Hopefully he'll pull through. I guess if praying and religion helps someone cope, then I guess it's okay. I don't get it, I could never participate, and I think it's a remarkably pitiful way to live; but some people need it, I guess.

It's funny, cancer is a perfectly natural process of cell growth that has gone haywire; the cell growth that makes us who we are, can also kill us. It might sound sick, but that's a tradeoff I'm willing to accept. I would hate to get it, and I hope we someday find a cure, but I'm essentially an organism that is subject to the vagaries of nature--cancer being one of them. If it be, then so be it; it's been a wild ride and I'm thankful for the chance to experience this wonderful thing called life.

[Will]

I'm very sorry.